I've been thinking I should make this post for a while

[starlady]

and lately not making it has started to feel like I'm actively lying, so here goes: I'm asexual. It doesn't mean that I am anti-sex or find sex disgusting or that I'm anti-partnership or anti-marriage or that I have no sexual feelings, but it does mean that I've never felt a sexual attraction to anyone. I'm not quite willing to state categorically that I'm aromantic, but I do know that I've never fallen in love with anyone yet. And I do know that these statements most definitely apply only to me, and not categorically to any other asexual people.

I suspect this will not come as a surprise to many people; certainly now that I've been thinking about it actively over the past two years or so, and most especially over the past year, it seems rather blindingly obvious, but at twenty-six I'm not willing to trade on assumptions and other people's tact for my next quarter-century. This is who I am, and that's fine, and being able to say so is honestly something of a relief.

I'm sorry it took me so long to be able to say this, both for myself and for the people around me whom I care about. I thought about locking this post and then I thought that would defeat the purpose, and though I suspect identifying as asexual offline will take time for me to be able to do beyond a few trusted friends and family members, and will eventually confront me with various insulting assumptions, I'd rather take that than the alternative of silence, which hasn't been insult-free thus far anyway. (Note: when I say that, I'm most certainly not talking about people on DW/LJ, or even friends who aren't on the internet! I'm thinking more like my horrible ex-roommate S, whose transparent desperation to know everything about other people's sex lives, and whose assumption that every time I wore a pair of shoes other than sneakers it was so that I could have sex with a guy that night, were as hilarious as they were offensive. And also, in a very backwards way, helped solidify my own certainty about these things.)

So, there it is. One thing that I know held me back from being able to say this definitively is that it is admitting that I'll be living my life, in at least one sense, "alone"--because I've seen enough at this point to know that my mother was right: it is easier to go through life with a partner/s to help you. But on the other hand, I'm not alone, and I never have been, and I won't be in future, and admitting that a door that's always been closed is closed is just acknowledging reality, not changing it.

In conclusion, this fic about Charlie Weasley, awesome ace uncle, by melannen basically seems to sum up my current feelings about the whole thing, as I realized when I read it at last the other day.

Comments

[loanwords.livejournal.com]

I want to thumbs up this, but alas it is not Facebook. So have a heart instead. <3

[nokiirat.livejournal.com]

That and HP fic all in one post. You're awesome! You have my support. ♥

Thank you

[merin-chan.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for having the courage to post this. Because it gives me the courage to say: me too. I identify as asexual. Probably aromantic (no crushes, ever), possibly biromantic (I feel most comfortable in close friend-relationships with women and men who are not typically "masculine," and wouldn't reject more emotional intimacy). I found the AVEN site in 2009, when I was 27, and it just clicked: I'm more than a "shy straight girl waiting for the right guy." I don't need to keep seeing myself as the incomplete half of some future heteronormative couple I have never wanted to be in. I am complete in myself; I satisfy myself. Asexuality is not frigidity or brokenness or lack, but another way of living with oneself. That was a liberating realization.

The hard thing now is admitting it. Same as you, I find it really hard to tell anyone irl beyond a trusted few. I used to think I had a right to keep my private life private. But it's beginning to feel hypocritical for me to support LGBT rights, the right of people to speak and live who they are, while keeping myself stifled in silence. None of us needs to feel alone, even if we are single. Your post today has confirmed that for me. So thanks again for the conversational opening. I hope you don't mind me contributing too. ^^

[rachelmanija.livejournal.com]

Congratulations on coming out! I hope it feels good.

If this is a helpful data point: I'm not asexual, but I have gone through life without a partner, and intend to continue doing so. It's not a lifestyle supported or encouraged by our society, but it's a perfectly valid, satisfying, and enjoyable one nonetheless. (Also, oddly, easier in some ways. The difficulty of being single is nothing to the difficulty of being attached to an unhelpful partner.)

[spaiku.livejournal.com]

I will just have to have enough sex for the both of us then! Love you <3

[shveta-thakrar.livejournal.com]

*hug* I'm thinking of the day I asked you how you identified, so I wouldn't make any assumptions. I hadn't quite thought this, but I am glad to know it, and like Rachel said, you can do just fine on your own--and totally are.

[contrariety.livejournal.com]

Go you!

[swan-tower.livejournal.com]

I suspect I know some other people in this camp, though none of them have said it explicitly, so thank you for reminding me to keep it in mind. And may your own path forward be as smooth as possible.