starlady: Gryffinclaw motto: I've got plenty of common sense, I just choose to ignore it! (story of my life!)
[personal profile] starlady
and lately not making it has started to feel like I'm actively lying, so here goes: I'm asexual. It doesn't mean that I am anti-sex or find sex disgusting or that I'm anti-partnership or anti-marriage or that I have no sexual feelings, but it does mean that I've never felt a sexual attraction to anyone. I'm not quite willing to state categorically that I'm aromantic, but I do know that I've never fallen in love with anyone yet. And I do know that these statements most definitely apply only to me, and not categorically to any other asexual people.

I suspect this will not come as a surprise to many people; certainly now that I've been thinking about it actively over the past two years or so, and most especially over the past year, it seems rather blindingly obvious, but at twenty-six I'm not willing to trade on assumptions and other people's tact for my next quarter-century. This is who I am, and that's fine, and being able to say so is honestly something of a relief.

I'm sorry it took me so long to be able to say this, both for myself and for the people around me whom I care about. I thought about locking this post and then I thought that would defeat the purpose, and though I suspect identifying as asexual offline will take time for me to be able to do beyond a few trusted friends and family members, and will eventually confront me with various insulting assumptions, I'd rather take that than the alternative of silence, which hasn't been insult-free thus far anyway. (Note: when I say that, I'm most certainly not talking about people on DW/LJ, or even friends who aren't on the internet! I'm thinking more like my horrible ex-roommate S, whose transparent desperation to know everything about other people's sex lives, and whose assumption that every time I wore a pair of shoes other than sneakers it was so that I could have sex with a guy that night, were as hilarious as they were offensive. And also, in a very backwards way, helped solidify my own certainty about these things.)

So, there it is. One thing that I know held me back from being able to say this definitively is that it is admitting that I'll be living my life, in at least one sense, "alone"--because I've seen enough at this point to know that my mother was right: it is easier to go through life with a partner/s to help you. But on the other hand, I'm not alone, and I never have been, and I won't be in future, and admitting that a door that's always been closed is closed is just acknowledging reality, not changing it.

In conclusion, this fic about Charlie Weasley, awesome ace uncle, by [personal profile] melannen basically seems to sum up my current feelings about the whole thing, as I realized when I read it at last the other day.
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(no subject)

Date: 2011-07-04 05:41 (UTC)
From: [personal profile] boundbooks
Thank you for sharing. You are a cool person, and I always feel honored whenever a fandom person chooses to share a slice of their personal life. :)

(The fic was quite cool, too!)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-07-04 05:46 (UTC)
lian: Klavier Gavin, golden boy (Default)
From: [personal profile] lian
*smiles at you* You are so definitely not alone. Not in this, at least :)

It's funny, it's one more thing that fandom has helped me so much to clarify and affirm positively for myself (even though I'm not hanging out in ace fandom -- I don't see myself map easily or at all on that predominant expression -- but I'm definitely following with interest from the sidelines).

(no subject)

Date: 2011-07-04 05:46 (UTC)
were_duck: Ellen Ripley from Alien looking pensively to the right in her space helmet (Abed)
From: [personal profile] were_duck
It makes me really happy you feel comfortable sharing this with us, fwiw. Thank you.

Also, wow your old roommate sounds like a complete dick.

:-)

Date: 2011-07-04 05:50 (UTC)
elke_tanzer: sing your own song (sing your own song)
From: [personal profile] elke_tanzer
:-)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-07-04 06:02 (UTC)
lilacsigil: John Byrne art of Destiny and Mystique, caption "Destined" (destiny mystique)
From: [personal profile] lilacsigil
Thanks for sharing! I'm a lesbian, and I hate that feeling of heterosexual (or in your case sexual) by default when really everyone should just keep their assumptions away from everyone else.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-07-04 06:09 (UTC)
littlebutfierce: (stars night tree)
From: [personal profile] littlebutfierce
Aw, yay for posting this!

I think DW seems to be a v. asexual-friendly place, which is awesome. I'm sorry you have to deal w/people like your ex-roommate--that's an amazing assumption they made... o_O

(no subject)

Date: 2011-07-04 06:37 (UTC)
lian: Klavier Gavin, golden boy (Default)
From: [personal profile] lian
Everything that helps you become more you is a good thing in my book. But personally, I don't define as asexual externally because it'd mean replacing one set of wrong assumptions with another set of only slightly less erroneous assumptions. (Nevermind that in RL, no-one would know what that term's supposed to mean, anyway, so no clarifying factor beyong what people know about me anyway at all.)

Anecdotally, I do think there's a large "non-asexual-identified" group in fandom who live sexually/are very much interested in sex -- just not in sex with other people, period. Heh. (I do know that this is covered by the asexual spectrum, but as a fringe thing, and definitely not the main connotation, so.)

Anyway, I'm rambling. But then, I did find it very freeing to know for myself that no, I really, really, really haven't simply "met the right one yet". Or for getting rid of any lingering guilt for not going out and trying to meet ~the one~ XD (Even though my mother's a bit worried about me, haha, but I think I successfully conveyed to her that any sort of partnership wouldn't succeed in making me any happier or more complete than I am ever likely to be on my own.)

(Of course it sucks that most cohabitation arrangements after uni are centered around partnerships x_x but that's neither here nor there.)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-07-04 06:41 (UTC)
wintercreek: A heart drawn in the sand of a beach ([misc] *heart*)
From: [personal profile] wintercreek
*loves* I'm glad you were able to make this post; thank you for sharing this about yourself.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-07-04 06:45 (UTC)
lian: Klavier Gavin, golden boy (Default)
From: [personal profile] lian
oh, yeah, The Closeted Lesbian Assumption (tm)! Never fails to crack me up, idk, if I was lesbian I'd have a girlfrined, duh? Do I strike you as closeted, Husband of Best Friend Who Has Known Me Half My Life And Really Should Know Better??? o_O;

Anyway, people are stupid, oy. How does lack of interest in sex correspond with lack of interest in fashion?

(no subject)

Date: 2011-07-04 07:34 (UTC)
rushthatspeaks: (Default)
From: [personal profile] rushthatspeaks
Very much yay for posting this.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-07-04 08:09 (UTC)
From: [personal profile] noldo
I'm glad you felt able to share this! Thank you for doing so, and I hope that the rest of the world is better to you than awful roommate, seriously WTF.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-07-04 08:48 (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
You have all my love, seriously. I feel kind of compelled to comment and say so, because I actually only realised I was ace and started identifying as such the Friday before last.

... who knew that physical attraction was really really really not the same thing as sexual attraction and that people actually feel that? (Actually, I'm a very lurky kind of person and you (and the rest of the internet now, I guess) are the first person I've told, even if it's anonymously.) So basically, stars and hearts for this post. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2011-07-04 12:47 (UTC)
meloukhia: An ace of hearts, with a heart-shaped candleholder carrying a lit tealight centred on the card (Ace love)
From: [personal profile] meloukhia
Slowly turning my dwircle ace, one person at a time...yay! But seriously, I'm glad you feel comfortable talking about it here. ♥

(no subject)

Date: 2011-07-04 13:56 (UTC)
oliviacirce: (Default)
From: [personal profile] oliviacirce
All the love! ♥

I'm gonna go ahead and say congrats for making this post, because coming out (in whatever way) is hard, and complicated, and does take a while; I'm so glad you feel like you can talk about this here.

And no, you're not alone -- in some ways, sure, but not, I think, in the ways that matter the most. For one thing, you are always welcome in Olivia's Future Dream House Full Of Awesome People.
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