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starladyand lately not making it has started to feel like I'm actively lying, so here goes: I'm asexual. It doesn't mean that I am anti-sex or find sex disgusting or that I'm anti-partnership or anti-marriage or that I have no sexual feelings, but it does mean that I've never felt a sexual attraction to anyone. I'm not quite willing to state categorically that I'm aromantic, but I do know that I've never fallen in love with anyone yet. And I do know that these statements most definitely apply only to me, and not categorically to any other asexual people.
I suspect this will not come as a surprise to many people; certainly now that I've been thinking about it actively over the past two years or so, and most especially over the past year, it seems rather blindingly obvious, but at twenty-six I'm not willing to trade on assumptions and other people's tact for my next quarter-century. This is who I am, and that's fine, and being able to say so is honestly something of a relief.
I'm sorry it took me so long to be able to say this, both for myself and for the people around me whom I care about. I thought about locking this post and then I thought that would defeat the purpose, and though I suspect identifying as asexual offline will take time for me to be able to do beyond a few trusted friends and family members, and will eventually confront me with various insulting assumptions, I'd rather take that than the alternative of silence, which hasn't been insult-free thus far anyway. (Note: when I say that, I'm most certainly not talking about people on DW/LJ, or even friends who aren't on the internet! I'm thinking more like my horrible ex-roommate S, whose transparent desperation to know everything about other people's sex lives, and whose assumption that every time I wore a pair of shoes other than sneakers it was so that I could have sex with a guy that night, were as hilarious as they were offensive. And also, in a very backwards way, helped solidify my own certainty about these things.)
So, there it is. One thing that I know held me back from being able to say this definitively is that it is admitting that I'll be living my life, in at least one sense, "alone"--because I've seen enough at this point to know that my mother was right: it is easier to go through life with a partner/s to help you. But on the other hand, I'm not alone, and I never have been, and I won't be in future, and admitting that a door that's always been closed is closed is just acknowledging reality, not changing it.
In conclusion, this fic about Charlie Weasley, awesome ace uncle, bymelannen basically seems to sum up my current feelings about the whole thing, as I realized when I read it at last the other day.
I suspect this will not come as a surprise to many people; certainly now that I've been thinking about it actively over the past two years or so, and most especially over the past year, it seems rather blindingly obvious, but at twenty-six I'm not willing to trade on assumptions and other people's tact for my next quarter-century. This is who I am, and that's fine, and being able to say so is honestly something of a relief.
I'm sorry it took me so long to be able to say this, both for myself and for the people around me whom I care about. I thought about locking this post and then I thought that would defeat the purpose, and though I suspect identifying as asexual offline will take time for me to be able to do beyond a few trusted friends and family members, and will eventually confront me with various insulting assumptions, I'd rather take that than the alternative of silence, which hasn't been insult-free thus far anyway. (Note: when I say that, I'm most certainly not talking about people on DW/LJ, or even friends who aren't on the internet! I'm thinking more like my horrible ex-roommate S, whose transparent desperation to know everything about other people's sex lives, and whose assumption that every time I wore a pair of shoes other than sneakers it was so that I could have sex with a guy that night, were as hilarious as they were offensive. And also, in a very backwards way, helped solidify my own certainty about these things.)
So, there it is. One thing that I know held me back from being able to say this definitively is that it is admitting that I'll be living my life, in at least one sense, "alone"--because I've seen enough at this point to know that my mother was right: it is easier to go through life with a partner/s to help you. But on the other hand, I'm not alone, and I never have been, and I won't be in future, and admitting that a door that's always been closed is closed is just acknowledging reality, not changing it.
In conclusion, this fic about Charlie Weasley, awesome ace uncle, by
melannen basically seems to sum up my current feelings about the whole thing, as I realized when I read it at last the other day.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 05:41 (UTC)(The fic was quite cool, too!)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 14:16 (UTC)(Can I just say, it's very flattering to hear you think I'm cool, because you're pretty cool yourself?)
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 05:46 (UTC)It's funny, it's one more thing that fandom has helped me so much to clarify and affirm positively for myself (even though I'm not hanging out in ace fandom -- I don't see myself map easily or at all on that predominant expression -- but I'm definitely following with interest from the sidelines).
♥
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 05:55 (UTC)Yeah, I'm not sure what I think about ace fandom as a thing yet, but it definitely has been awesome to know it's there and to poke around in what it produces.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 05:46 (UTC)Also, wow your old roommate sounds like a complete dick.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 05:51 (UTC)Ah ha ha, S was a total winner, a total winner! And after I didn't divulge any stories of sexy times with hot guys, she totally blatantly switched to assuming that I was a lesbian and began fishing for hot lesbian action! stories.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From::-)
Date: 2011-07-04 05:50 (UTC)Re: :-)
Date: 2011-07-04 14:15 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 06:02 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 06:16 (UTC)And yeah, I would definitely support fewer assumptions all around! But the incidents with S were particularly hilarious in the context of her general behavior towards everyone.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 06:09 (UTC)I think DW seems to be a v. asexual-friendly place, which is awesome. I'm sorry you have to deal w/people like your ex-roommate--that's an amazing assumption they made... o_O
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 06:14 (UTC)More importantly: yay indeed! =)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 06:41 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 14:14 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 07:34 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 14:14 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 08:09 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 11:07 (UTC)Those were just some of the Series of Awful Incidents that living with S the past year devolved into, seriously. It seems hilarious now, because I'm not living with her anymore.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 08:48 (UTC)... who knew that physical attraction was really really really not the same thing as sexual attraction and that people actually feel that? (Actually, I'm a very lurky kind of person and you (and the rest of the internet now, I guess) are the first person I've told, even if it's anonymously.) So basically, stars and hearts for this post. <3
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 14:18 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 12:47 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 14:13 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 13:56 (UTC)I'm gonna go ahead and say congrats for making this post, because coming out (in whatever way) is hard, and complicated, and does take a while; I'm so glad you feel like you can talk about this here.
And no, you're not alone -- in some ways, sure, but not, I think, in the ways that matter the most. For one thing, you are always welcome in Olivia's Future Dream House Full Of Awesome People.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 14:13 (UTC)Thank you. And save me a room in that house. =)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 14:57 (UTC)Thank you for sharing this with us.
And thank you for the link.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-07 15:29 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 15:07 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-07 15:29 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 18:49 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-07 15:27 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 20:57 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-04 23:50 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-07 15:28 (UTC)(And belatedly: happy birthday!)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-05 00:51 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-07 15:28 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-05 00:56 (UTC)Oh, also I have an Assumption Assblaster™, low miles, give me your shipping address via PM.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-07 15:28 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-05 08:01 (UTC)I'm glad that you were comfortable enough to talk about it. I understand how having to remain silent about one's preferences (no matter what they are) can be tiring, or even draining at times.
I think that fandom/online also helped me understand better who I was (and the last few years have definitely been primordial about that!) and that helped a lot, even though certain things are still not very comfortable for me to speak about. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-07 15:27 (UTC)Yes, definitely! And thank you! <3
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-05 22:48 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-07 15:25 (UTC)(Yeah, S, a total winner.)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-06 05:17 (UTC)(And wow, horrible ex-roomate was HORRIBLE).
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-07 15:24 (UTC)(And yeah, she was horrible, but she's gone now, so yay.)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-07 04:15 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-07 15:25 (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-09 21:08 (UTC)I think it's wonderful that you feel comfortable enough to share.
People should get to be who they are without judgement of others, and hopefully the world realizes that soon.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-13 19:01 (UTC)